Happy 2020!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! I love New Year’s. I love the idea of starting fresh and making resolutions and vision boards and setting goals for the next 365 days… clearly.

I’ve been prepping for this new year for the last month or so. I bought some great journals, made a couple of vision boards and set new goals for 2020.

One of my big goals (besides doing another dry year) is to be more open, vulnerable, and truthful. I wasn’t really great at any of those things last year. So, in the interest of vulnerability, openness, and honesty, I’m going to share what’s on my goal list and vision boards with you.

I’m using The New Hollywood’s “Manifesting Your Mission” journal this year to track all of my intentions for 2020. I LOVE this journal. I used it in 2019 and it was one of the few things that kept me (somewhat) sane during a hard year. I highly recommend getting yourself one. They’re available for purchase online through The New Hollywood’s website ($25).

One thing this journal talks about is setting goals vs. visualizations.

Goals are measurable things. Things you have control over. Some of my goals are:
-No alcohol for 365 days.
-Working out 4x a week.
-Starting my day with celery juice every morning.
-Hiking with my pup, Warner, on the weekends.
-Reading for an hour before bed every night.
-Daily meditation/journaling. (I’m using Commanding Life’s Daily Journal for all my journaling needs this year.)
-Spending less time on social media, specifically, spending less time internet stalking exes on social media.
-Finishing the 5th draft of my Vietnam script.
-Finishing the 1st draft of my rom-com.
-Finishing the 1st draft of my play.
-Shooting my short film by March 2020.
-Treating myself to a mani/pedi once a month because it makes me feel fancy.
-Spending more time with the amazing, smart, beautiful, creative, badass women in my life.

I have a few other goals, but these are the big ones, the ones that I think will not only help me have a healthier life physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but will also set me up for the success I want this year.

Which brings me to visualization. Visualization is for the things you want that may not be entirely in your control. Vision boards are like an ultimate wish list and I think that if you focus on these visualizations while simultaneously working towards your goals, it can be pretty magical.

Sharing my visions is scarier than sharing my goals. It makes me feel really vulnerable, knowing that people could read this list and roll their eyes while whispering “yeah right” under their breath. But, I’m gonna do it, so roll and scoff away if you feel so inclined…

-I want a contract on a soap opera. When I was 10 years old, a friend of my father’s, who was an actress on the east coast, told me that she really wanted to be on a soap opera. It’s stable, fun, creative work, and well, that sounded pretty good to 10 year old me and sounds really, really good to 32 year old me. I was lucky enough to do an episode of The Young and the Restless a couple of years ago and I LOVED that day on set. It was exciting and welcoming and I want more of that in 2020.

-I want to book a guest star on a prime time network show. And if I’m getting really specific with this one, I want to book a guest star on “This Is Us”. I really want to work with that cast and I think the writing on that show is beautiful. I’d love to say the words that those writers have written.

-I want one supporting role in a studio feature. I had a few close calls last year and some really amazing auditions for films I would’ve killed to be a part of. I really want to know what it feels like to call my mom and say “I booked it!”, after one of those auditions.

-I want to be in a holiday movie. One good, sappy, boy-meets-girl-and-they-fall-in-love-at-Christmastime, holiday movie. It’s been on my actor’s bucket list for a while now, so, let’s see that come into fruition in the next 365 days.

-I want to work with Hugh Jackman. Six years ago, I went to a taping of Inside the Actor’s Studio with Hugh Jackman and at the end of the conversation, Hugh took audience questions. I raised my hand and I asked Mr. Jackman, “Have you ever felt like quitting?” He said, “No. Not really.” And then he asked me, “How old are you?”, I said, “I’m 26.” And he said, “You have plenty of time and you’re going to be just fine. Don’t give up.” I’ve thought about that interaction a lot, especially in the last couple of years when I’ve really considered quitting. I’d love to work with Hugh and have that moment come full circle.

-I want to travel outside of the US. I’m 32 years old and I’ve never had a passport. I’ve never left the country. I made this a goal in 2016, but quickly realized that this belonged on my vision board, not my goal list because traveling is expensive and as a struggling artist, having extra income for travel isn’t as in my control as I wish it could be.

-And one more thing on my vision board, one that’s scariest to share… I want to fall in love. As you probably know by now, my heart hurt a lot this past year. It’s the biggest reason I’ve decided to do another dry year and take care of myself. I hope learning to love myself again will bring the other kind of love into my life. I mean, I’m not getting any younger, and Jim and Eva need some grand babies (yes, I’m deflecting with a bit of humor to make admitting this heartfelt desire a little easier).

So, there you have it. My hopes, dreams, and heart in writing. Maybe in 365 days I’ll look back at this and roll my eyes too, but maybe, maybe, I’ll look back and say, “I did it.” I really hope that’s the case.

2019

Sucked.
Big time.
At least for me.

And I guess that is what’s led me back here. This year sucked so bad, I thought to myself, “Surely, I can’t be the only one feeling this way.” So I’ve spent the better part of the last week perusing social media for the inevitable “Eff you, 2019” memes, but have yet to find any. I guess I was feeling a bit alone with my thoughts, but then figured that maybe there are people out there feeling the same way and I should start my own “2019 was the worst” meme, only make it a blog. So, like, a long-form meme.

I got the wind knocked out of me this year. A few high points, but mostly lows. My struggle with anxiety and depression has been almost constant, the work I love felt painful and pointless, I got another year older, which only perpetuated my anxiety because the older I get the more my career is starting to feel like an unrequited love story, and then I went through a break up. The mother of all break ups. One of those break ups that makes you question everything you ever thought you knew about love and everything you thought you knew about yourself. I stepped out of a one and a half year relationship, took a long look in the mirror and I didn’t recognize what I saw. I didn’t even recognize the sound of my own voice, and the thoughts that voice was preaching in my head weren’t very healthy.

You’d think coming out of that, I would pick myself up by the bootstraps and vow to do better, that’s what I would’ve done, two, five, even ten years ago. But, I didn’t do that this time. Instead, I started feeding the negativity I was feeling and using it as fuel to get through another day. I masked my emotions, deflected any and all concern from my friends and family, and I didn’t cry. Not once. If you know me, you know that’s a very strange, bright, red flag. I cry all the time. Or at least, I did.

When I left this blog a little over a year ago, I said it was because I was craving privacy. And that’s true, I was. For the most part, I still am. But, in true Amelia fashion, my need for introspective moments swung to the extreme side of the spectrum and my privacy turned into seclusion. I was hiding, not just from the public, but from myself. All of the awareness, and presence, and love I built when I started this blog almost five years ago seemed to vanish in a few short months due to a broken heart and an extreme feeling of “not-enough-ness”.

So, I’m back. I’m writing. That feels really good. And I’m considering another dry year, but for completely different reasons than the first time. The first time, back in 2015, it was because, well, I was drinking a lot and that was distracting me from all of my hopes and dreams. And if you’ve read this blog before, you know that during that first year, this crazy thing happened when I cut out those distractions… I found myself.

But then this year happened and I lost her. I’d really like to find her again.

I realize that some/most people reading this might think “Well, that’s a little extreme, maybe you should try something else. Like therapy.” And to that I say, you haven’t been paying attention. I’m full of extremes. I’m an all or nothing person. I fall in love after a first date and if I open a pint of Ben and Jerry’s I finish the entire thing in one sitting. When I cry, I do it with my entire body, and don’t even get me started on the noise that comes out when I laugh. That’s just how I operate. I’m either in or I’m out. I’ve been spending a lot of time “out” and I’d like to dive back “in”.

And that’s what I intend to do in the new year.
New year, 2015 me.