Day 116-124

The title of my blog is becoming a bit ironic.

I’ve talked about this before but when I started all of this, one of the main reasons was because I felt like I was missing out on pieces of my life. I started to realize I was drinking to avoid the tough stuff or brush off moments that were uncomfortable or difficult. I was drinking to have “fun” and drank too much in an attempt to keep that “fun” going. At the beginning of the year, when I decided to go 365 days without drinking, a big part of my reasoning was that I wanted to feel more and experience every ounce of life.

Lately, I’ve found myself doing the exact opposite.

In a drastic attempt to remain present, I’ve found myself counting down the days till the year is over and saying things like “I can’t wait to drink again”. I hate that saying “I can’t wait”. Saying things like that takes me compeltely out of my current state. I stop seeing today for what it is and start resenting my present circumstances because they don’t seem as good or as exciting as something that could happen down the road.

I should clarify. There’s nothing wrong with being excited or expectant for the future. That’s what keeps dreams and goals alive. It’s knowing that someday, those dreams will come true.  But, there’s a reason why expressions like “it’s not about the destiantion, but the journey”, are so popular.

So, in an effort to remain PRESENTly sober, I vow to stop using the phrase “I can’t wait”. I’m going to stop thinking about what I might do on my first day after sobreity. I’m going to stop worrying about how I might feel if I don’t have the success I hope for after all this is over. I’m just going to stop. And I’m going to breathe. And I’m going to trust that this is all part of God’s plan and I’m going to start enjoying every step that I take for the next 241 days.

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