Day 327-340

The other day I did something that may have been the bravest thing I’ve done all year.

I listened to the new Adele CD for the first time, while hiking the hard side of Runyon Canyon.

My body experienced extreme muscle confusion, and not the good kind all the fitness magazines tell you to strive for. I’m talking about the other muscles that control things like tear ducts and gag reflexes. About four songs in and half way up the second giant slope, my body didn’t know if it was supposed to be barfing or crying.

I got to the top of the third and final, giant slope and collapsed. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I needed to take a breather.  I found a spot to sit, that was mostly secluded and had an amazing view of the city. I let my mind wander and my lungs catch up, and then the song switched and I started really listening to what was playing through my headphones.

Music has a funny way of sneaking up on you and giving you exactly what you need in the moment. The song was called, “Remedy”, and as I listened to the words I just thought “yes”.

I sat on the edge of this cliff looking out at the city I’ve called home for nine years and I told myself, by the time this song is over, I’m going to let go. And I did.

I let go of things, ideas, thoughts, beliefs that I’ve been holding onto not just this year, but for the last decade.

I let go of feeling like a failure. I let go of the expecatations I had when I moved to LA at 19. I let go of career frustration. I let go of the pilot I didn’t book in February, and the top of show guest star I didn’t get in June, and the soap opera contract that didn’t happen in November. I let go of the need to book a job to validate myself as an actor and a creator. I let go of the guilt I feel from still relying on my parents financially. I let go of the burden of not knowing where my next paycheck will come from. I let go of the boy who broke my heart a few months ago, and the one before him, and the one before him. I let go of the need to settle down before I’m 30. I just let it all go, emotionally, mentally, phsyically. I let tears stream down my face and when the song was over, I took a deep breath, I got up, and I ran down the canyon.

I’ve been building up to this moment, this release for a while now. I didn’t know it would happen the way it did and it would be so specific and clear and wonderful, but I’ve definitely been feeling the need to let it go.

That need stemmed from realizing that none of it matters. At the end of the day, my job, who I’m dating, how many likes my photos get on Instagram, what kind of car I drive, what neighborhood I live in, the amount of money in my bank out, all these things don’t matter.

I think a lot of people realize that to some extent. I think where people struggle is in thinking, “Ok, so if that stuff doesn’t matter, then what does?”

You.

You are the only thing that matters in this moment, and since this moment is all we ever have. You. Are. What. Matters.

The outter stuff is all fleeting. You’ll have highs and lows, good days and bad, one day you’ll be poor, the next day you’ll be rich, but who you are in the deepest part of your being, will always be there.

Live for that and let that energy guide you and inspire you and everything else will fall into place.