Day 327-340

The other day I did something that may have been the bravest thing I’ve done all year.

I listened to the new Adele CD for the first time, while hiking the hard side of Runyon Canyon.

My body experienced extreme muscle confusion, and not the good kind all the fitness magazines tell you to strive for. I’m talking about the other muscles that control things like tear ducts and gag reflexes. About four songs in and half way up the second giant slope, my body didn’t know if it was supposed to be barfing or crying.

I got to the top of the third and final, giant slope and collapsed. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I needed to take a breather.  I found a spot to sit, that was mostly secluded and had an amazing view of the city. I let my mind wander and my lungs catch up, and then the song switched and I started really listening to what was playing through my headphones.

Music has a funny way of sneaking up on you and giving you exactly what you need in the moment. The song was called, “Remedy”, and as I listened to the words I just thought “yes”.

I sat on the edge of this cliff looking out at the city I’ve called home for nine years and I told myself, by the time this song is over, I’m going to let go. And I did.

I let go of things, ideas, thoughts, beliefs that I’ve been holding onto not just this year, but for the last decade.

I let go of feeling like a failure. I let go of the expecatations I had when I moved to LA at 19. I let go of career frustration. I let go of the pilot I didn’t book in February, and the top of show guest star I didn’t get in June, and the soap opera contract that didn’t happen in November. I let go of the need to book a job to validate myself as an actor and a creator. I let go of the guilt I feel from still relying on my parents financially. I let go of the burden of not knowing where my next paycheck will come from. I let go of the boy who broke my heart a few months ago, and the one before him, and the one before him. I let go of the need to settle down before I’m 30. I just let it all go, emotionally, mentally, phsyically. I let tears stream down my face and when the song was over, I took a deep breath, I got up, and I ran down the canyon.

I’ve been building up to this moment, this release for a while now. I didn’t know it would happen the way it did and it would be so specific and clear and wonderful, but I’ve definitely been feeling the need to let it go.

That need stemmed from realizing that none of it matters. At the end of the day, my job, who I’m dating, how many likes my photos get on Instagram, what kind of car I drive, what neighborhood I live in, the amount of money in my bank out, all these things don’t matter.

I think a lot of people realize that to some extent. I think where people struggle is in thinking, “Ok, so if that stuff doesn’t matter, then what does?”

You.

You are the only thing that matters in this moment, and since this moment is all we ever have. You. Are. What. Matters.

The outter stuff is all fleeting. You’ll have highs and lows, good days and bad, one day you’ll be poor, the next day you’ll be rich, but who you are in the deepest part of your being, will always be there.

Live for that and let that energy guide you and inspire you and everything else will fall into place.

8 thoughts on “Day 327-340”

  1. First and foremost my dear Amelia….you are not, never will be a failure. You are a success in every way that matters most…humanity. Just a reminder of what you chose to do for the most needy in your community last Friday. Adele’s music has always touched my soul. She can so easily touch the depth of my emotions with her words and voice. I believe that “Remedy” is about her boyfriend who is a very successful businessman in England…and yet, as one of the phrases states…our world can hurt his heart, and anyone who is breathing, given the events of the past few weeks, has had their heart hurt by all the violence and death inflicted on the innocent. Adele’s song that really gets to me is “Million Years Ago”, ….when we come up short in life, what we believed we could have been but did not reach that goal. Listen, in depth to that one too. We hold ourselves back, at least I did for many reasons and I’m only now learning to live my life. You have so much love in your background with your fabulous family, and you are a total success in life. No one can take your validation away from you…only you can, but don’t go there. You are beautiful in every way, on every level and a total success story in LA. And, they haven’t stopped you yet….2016 is going to be BIG. Time for you to get what you deserve…. LOVE YOU…..

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  2. This inspired me, it’s all so true. Sometimes we need a reminder of what is really important, you gave me that today… Sending you love and many hugs…

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  3. Letting go is freeing for certain – although difficult at the moment of release 🙂 There is so much good that you continue to hold onto and I am so proud of the young woman you’ve become. Your journey is truly beginning and this past year, even in the difficult times (which by the way are merely “seasons” of life), has made you who you are…A strong, vibrant, kind and beautiful person! I believe you will meet every challenge life brings you with grace and energy to move forward. I know this is true because faith will always guide you in the right direction. Remember to always “look up.” Love you . . . . to the stars and back! Mom

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  4. Wow! I had the exact same experience hiking (for the first time) two months ago. The struggle to make it to the top brought everything that I had been holding in straight to the surface and I was left with no choice but to let it all out. When I got to the bottom of my hike (which was, also, on the hard side of a mountain in Arkansas), I felt a peace that I’d never experienced before. Thank you for sharing this moment in your life.

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  5. Very well said. We absolutely feel the same about letting go and focusing on what’s really important in life. We had a similar realization a few months back living in Miami. We found ourselves committing to the wrong things in life and simply not being happy. So, we quit our jobs, sold our stuff, and bought an RV. We now travel the country full-time. There are still tons of ups and downs on the road, but like you said–all fleeting. Collecting memories and experiences over more “stuff” is way more rewarding anyway.
    Thanks for sharing!!!

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  6. This is wonderful and very inspiring. My favorite part is when you decided to let go and how specific you were about the things, ideas and situations. I can totally relate to that and could feel almost no guilt or pain as I was reading it. Thank you for that! And do not stop👌🏼

    Gilberto

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