I figured since I blogged about this during my sober journey, it’s probably time I unleash my inner Carrie Bradshaw and talk about dating from an un-sober perspective. Brace yourselves.
As my horoscope recently predicted, I’ve been dating a lot lately. I’m not sure why that is, although according to the AstroTwins, it’s because Venus and Mars united in my star sign making my love life “hot AF” (their words, not mine). That may be the case, but in simpler terms, I’m trying to keep myself open to new possibilities. I’ve spent the last two-ish years in a vicious ex cycle, trying things out with the same person(s) over and over again, hoping for different results every time. Einstein calls that the definition of “insanity” and boy, did he hit the nail on the head there.
So, I’m seeing what’s out there and to put it mildly, Los Angeles doesn’t disappoint. I’ve met some really great guys. Actors, writers, musicians, even a dude with a law degree. The date locations have been solid, the conversations, endless. But, at the end of each night, I got in my car and thought “nah”. Why is that?
I’ve come up with a couple of reasons:
1) Good wine has the ability to make me like just about any one in the moment.
2) I didn’t feel a spark. (Though I think the idea of a “spark” is actually a load of B.S.)
3) He didn’t seem all the interested in me.
4) I just wanted to get home to my dog.
All solid reasons, right? Ok, probably not, but I did come up with one reason that seems pretty decent. I think I’m in a selfish phase.
Now, for those of you reading this who know me, you may be thinking “duh”. I’ve always been a bit selfish, it’s definitely one of my biggest character flaws. But, I think for the first time in my life, I’m in a positive selfish phase.
I watched LALA Land last night, for the hundredth time, and came to the conclusion that this film justifies everything I’ve been thinking for the last ten years. I’m just not meant to be with someone right now. I’ve spent ten years building a career. I’ve made so many sacrifices and been through so much heartache that the last thing I need to do is jeopardize all of that for another struggling actor/writer/musician/lawyer, regardless of how great he looks without his shirt on.
I want to stay focused and immersed in my goals, and wanting that makes me kinda selfish.
Apparently, Marilyn Monroe once said, “A career is great, but it doesn’t keep you warm at night”. (She may not have said that. I saw that quote in pretty-meme form, on Instagram, posted by a teenager in Ohio). Regardless, I think it’s crap. Sure, my career may not have the ability to spoon me at 2am, but it gets me out of bed every morning with a big smile on my face. The possibilities of the career I’ve chosen, are endless. My life could change at the drop of a hat. All it takes is one great audition or the right person reading my stuff. That could happen on any day, at any time, and I think that’s really freaking exciting. So, I stay hopeful, and selfish, because when that call comes, I want to be free from any emotional responsibility to another person.
Does this mean I stop dating? Not at all. In fact, I have one tonight. But, it does mean I’m more honest, with myself and with him. I’m not looking for a relationship. I prefer to keep myself warm at night (with a little help from the above-mentioned dog). But, if you want to grab a drink and talk about anything but “the business”, let’s do it. Who knows, maybe I’ll turn out to be a giant hypocrite and fall head over heels. I’m just not going to make that the point of dating any more. I’m keeping myself open, but I’m also keeping myself first.