Presently: Poof

I blew up my life this year.

I went into 2020 feeling equal parts hopeful and desperate. I had been swirling around in a rut for a while and was craving some kind of change or monstrous upheaval, but I had no idea where to begin. I was dog-paddling because I was convinced that if I could keep my head above water long enough, someone or something would surely come to rescue me.

And then, 2020 happened.

For me, 2020 was a big mirror, and not one of those flattering, skinny mirrors in department store dressing rooms that convince you to buy the overpriced designer jeans. This mirror was cracked because it had been dropped so many times. And it was dusty because it hid under my bed like the boogeyman. And it forced me to take a long, hard look at myself. And what I found, was the monstrous upheaval I had been looking for for a really long time.

I’ve already written about some of the ways in which I’ve stopped looping on low self-worth, but to summarize, I’ll say it again… I blew up my life this year.

I left relationships that made me feel anxious. I got sober. I stopped giving my time and heart to boys who didn’t really want it. I set boundaries with friends and family who prefer the smaller version of me. I even left the comfort of my day jobs because I think it’s about damn time I do the kind of work that lights me up and not settle for the struggle. So, I’m entering the new year with a few less friends, zero potential love interests, and no job. And I’m pretty stoked about it.

For the first time in my life, I’m free-falling. I realized that I didn’t need a lifesaver to rescue me from the dog-paddling. I just needed to lean back and float down the hypothetical river, let it take me wherever it wanted.

I have no idea what’s going to happen. I have a couple months of savings, a great therapist, and an incredibly supportive family. I feel very lucky. Especially after the year we’ve had as a collective. I realize how fortunate I am to be able to find something good and empowering in such a shitshow of a year. I hope you found that too. And if you didn’t, I hope you keep looking. It’s there. I promise.

And I also promise to keep you posted on what happens with all this new-found space in my life. At the very least, I’m sure it will be entertaining.

Sending you all a lot of love. Here’s to 2021.

-A

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