I don’t know what else to do with all of… this.

I haven’t logged into this blog in over three years, but tonight, I found myself desperate to remember my WordPress password because in the past, this was my go-to way of letting the big feelings out. This is where I came every time I relapsed, every time I felt sad or heartbroken or lost. The night the #MeToo headlines poured in, I found myself at this keyboard searching for the right words to tell my own story.

And here I am again. Because the last 24-ish hours have been a total steaming pile of sad, infuriating, heartbreaking bullshit, and I just need to… honestly, I don’t know what I need.

I called my grandma first thing this morning. She’s my go-to for all things political. I think I’ve spoken about this before, but my grandma spent her entire career working for our government and she was a total badass while she was in DC. She worked for the Small Business Administration during both the Bush and Clinton presidencies. She testified a lot before Congress at a time when there were no women’s restrooms on The Hill. She endured all sorts of misogyny and sexist remarks by her male counterparts and superiors. She was given a very strict dress code (skirts and dresses only). And she didn’t let any of that deter her from absolutely killing it at her job. A couple of years ago, I found an old transcript of one of her testimonies on Capitol Hill. She was speaking to Congress about minority small business owners and their rights to fair interest rates and surety bonds. She wanted to make things equal for everyone because that’s who my grandma is at her core, she’s someone who believes in treating everyone fairly, with dignity and respect, even in a work environment where she was rarely given that in return.

I think what breaks my heart the most is that my grandma has now had to endure two elections where a woman lost to a guy who not only has zero respect for women, but poses an actual threat to our basic human rights. A guy who talks about using female public servants as target practice and brags on camera about sexual assault. A total embodiment of the misogyny and sexism she experienced throughout her career.

She said as light-heartedly as possible during our call today, “I’m just glad I’m not in Washington now!”

I’m glad she isn’t too. She deserves better. We all do.