So I was catching up on my favorite, now not-so-closeted, reality TV show obsession, Rich Kids of Beverly Hills (shut up, I’ve been in bed sick all weekend, and it’s great television), and well, I got really emotional.
I was watching the episode where Brendan proposed to Morgan, and before he could even get down on one of his gangly knees, I was in tears. Now, I’m not talking the “one glistening happy tear” or the “quiet, shoulder-shaking, sob”. I mean I was bawling my eyes out, uncontrollably. I cried more watching their proposal than I did watching Reese Witherspoon win an Oscar (and if you know me, that’s big).
Thankfully, they cut to a commercial break and I was relieved to be able to collect myself and pretend it never happened. Just as I wiped the last of my mascara off of my jawline (waterproof, my ass), it started again, no, not the trash tv show, my wailing. Only this time, the culprit was not 4.5 carats of princess-cut beauty, it was a commercial for Clear Blue Easy…. The pregnancy test.
I’m not going to lie, or try to sugar coat this, I was straight up sobbing.
Ok, so clearly, if I’m crying over other people’s engagements and double blue lines, it just means I’m closer than I’ve ever been to 30 and I’m feeling that whole unrealistic, societal pressure to settle down and pop em’ out, right?
I could only brush my emotions off for so long before my own personal Jiminy Cricket piped in with his wise words.
“Oh yeah… I just weened off of a really potent anti-depressant. That might have something, or everything, to do with my water works.” (And I mean Water. Works. Like, Kevin Costner could have kicked the shit out of Dennis Hopper on an ocean made only of my tears).
The drug I was on is called Effexor XR. It’s an extended release pill that has to be taken at the same time every day to ensure proper function. It’s a cocktail of anxiety and depression symptom suppressors, and for the last year, it’s made me almost completely numb to the standard day-to-day emotions. That’s not to say I haven’t had the occasional meltdown in the last year, just ask my mom or a handful of my ex-boyfriends, I’ve had my moments. But, on a daily basis, I’ve been kind of numb.
I’ve been pill-free for five days, which doesn’t sound like much, but when you’re experiencing life with a newfound permission to constantly feel it, it’s a lot. The thing I’m most surprised about with this transition is that, I’m really enjoying it. I forgot how terribly good it feels to feel. I had an audition the other day, and for the first time in a year, I could cry real tears when the script asked for it. I heard one of my favorite old songs on the radio last week and I turned it up and rolled down my windows and sang along as loudly as my lungs would let me. I haven’t genuinely laughed, smiled, or cried this much in a while, and I missed it. I missed having daily emotions as opposed to a monthly meltdown.
It’s going to take a lot more time to really know if pill-free is the best option for me. I’m giving myself 6-8 weeks to figure out what my next step should be (if any). I’m hoping that meditation and therapy will be enough, but if not, that’s ok too. I’ve said it before, but anixety and depression is a tricky thing because it’s so different for everyone affected. There’s no one solution, even for just one person. There’s a lot of trial and error. For the first time ever, I’m looking forward to this trial. I plan on doing a lot more ridiculous sobbing over many ridiculous things, and I plan on doing it with a smile on my face and a thankful heart in my chest.