I know, I know, it’s been a while. You may have clicked on this new post to hear all about what I’ve been up to for the last four months or to read about how sobriety: round two is going or to delve into all my deep, dark personal secrets that are usually for my diary’s pages only. If you said yes to any of the above, you’re about to be severely disappointed. I’ve just popped by to say a quick farewell, at least for now.
That’s right folks, I’ve logged on momentarily only to log off indefinitely. I know, total tease.
Why, you ask? Okay, fine, I’ll explain… a little.
What I thought would be a year full of sober discovery and well-written overshares, has actually turned into quite the opposite. I’ve found myself in a really happy place, craving as much privacy as possible. Maybe it’s old age, I don’t know, but I just haven’t felt a need to put much of my life on social media as of late. Sure, the occasional career-related post on Instagram, or a short political rant on Facebook, but even those things don’t sound very appealing to me as of late.
And I think it’s because I’m just plain happy.
For the first time in my life, I have a sense of stability and confidence. And for the first time, I feel like a woman. So much so, I don’t even get mad when I get “ma’am”-ed at Target anymore.
I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t wake up one morning and swear off this blog or social media in general. I’ve actually tried doing that before, and it didn’t work. I just got bored with it all and started focusing on my normal day-to-day. I stopped seeking validation in likes and comments and stopped comparing my life to the general public’s highlight reels, and I did it without even realizing it. In fact, when I did realize it, which was about five weeks ago, I thought “You should really blog, it’s been a while”, but then life kept giving me better things to do and I did those things instead and I have no regrets about any of it.
So, there you have it. That’s why you haven’t heard from me in a while. It just kinda happened that way, and the way that it happened, I kinda like, so I’m going to keep it this way for a while.
Before I say adieu, maybe there are a few things you guys should know…
1) I’m not sober. This year’s sobriety lasted about four months. It was a really, really hard four months. I didn’t start drinking again because it got too hard. I started drinking again because I made it through those awful four months without alcohol, and when I came out on the other end, I felt safe and secure enough to introduce healthy drinking and social behaviors back into my life. I also started to realize that going in and out of sobriety at my leisure made me a little bit of an a-hole. Sobriety is a serious topic. Alcoholism is a serious disease. I am not an alcoholic, but I know people who struggle with the disease and have seen that struggle up close, and it’s not something a person suffering from can easily go in and out of depending on their mood. I think everyone should try a dry month or even a dry year, but that’s very different from sobriety.
2) I’m not smoking! That’s the best thing to come out of the new-failed attempt at a dry 2018. Yes, I have started drinking again, but I’m still not smoking! I’m not going to lie, I still have cravings, especially when I drink, but I’ve been surrounding myself with some solid, non-smokers lately, so it’s not even an option when I do decide to have a glass of wine (or two).
3) I’m still “enough”, and so are you. My OG readers may recall the moral of my 2015 story was that I finally felt like I was enough. That was a huge revelation and I carry that lesson with me every day, in everything I do. Of course, I still have an occasional bad day, we all do. But, in those moments when I feel like I’m too much or too little, I remember what my twenty-eight year old self whispered on top of Runyon Canyon while ugly-crying to an Adele song…. “you are enough”. And in case you’ve lost sight of that, I want you to know that you’re enough too. You’re the perfect amount of perfection. Please remember that.
That’s all for now. If you’re reading this for the first time or if you’ve read every post since Day 1, I am grateful for you. Thank you for listening to my rants and raves for three years. Thank you for caring. You’re awesome.
Presently: Signing Off.