Presently: Vulnerable

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

Just one of the many lies, masked in a cute little rhyme, our parents and teachers drilled into our brains.

Words hurt. A lot.

What people say about me and to me, affects me. Some of it is easy to brush off and some of it plays over and over in my head like a broken record. Some of it dictates my own thoughts, and a lot of it has been dictated by me.

As some of you may or may not know, I spend my days surrounded by children. Babysitting is my actor day job, and I love the children I get to be around. In fact, I love them so much, if I heard any of them talking about themselves, the way I’ve been talking about myself lately, they’d get a long time out and a serious heart-to-heart.

So, Amelia. Go to your room, and think about what you’ve said. (That’s what I’ve been doing tonight).

I’ve been really hard on myself lately, especially this week; as I’ve bombed auditions, stressed about money, felt so lonely it physically hurt. I’ve called myself a failure, an idiot. I’ve wondered what’s wrong with me and what I need to fix. To put it less dramatically, I’ve been in one hell of a slump. (Which is ironic, considering the last blog I wrote was a love letter to myself. What a hypocrite.)

If you’ve been following this blog, you remember my post about a year ago when I dove head first into the topic of anxiety and depression. Well, these slumps are one of the many symptoms of the aforementioned “disorders”. They usually take some time to build and after a few rough days, you wake up feeling like you wish you hadn’t woken up. Yet, you drag your ass out of bed and tell yourself over and over again that things will turn around in no time. But, when they don’t turn around fast enough for your liking, the black hole gets bigger and harder to crawl out of.

Yeah. It sucks.

This is the first post I’ve ever written while I’m smack dab in the middle of the now infamous slump. I usually wait till the storm has passed and the lesson’s been learned so that I can write some inspirational, healing message.

I guess I think it’s important to share the bad with the good. In a few days or weeks or months, I’ll go back and read this and remember how gross it felt and pat myself on the back for coming out of it on top.

Because no matter how dark and stormy it gets, I always seem to find a way out.

Resilient. That’s a word I’d write on myself tonight.