Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about where I was this time last year. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I was. I was really, really happy, but at the same time, really, really anxious. I was experiencing old things in a new way and taking in a lot of new information on a daily basis. I had a label and a goal, which made me feel like I had a purpose, which I clung to for deal life as I dealt with being newly unemployed and audition-less, heart-achey, and in a new apartment in a new part of town. I would say this time last year, everything, good and bad, felt dramatic. Me? Dramatic?! Shocking…. I know. Ultimately though, I miss how I felt 365 days ago. The good feelings were really, really good.
That’s not to say I haven’t had some really, really good feelings this year. I’ve had my moments, as most of you have read. Lots of highs and lots of lows, and of course, lots of extremes.
This year seems to be full of more extremes (and we haven’t even made it to April yet, woof).
I think these extremes are coming from a place of re-learning and re-mistaking. As much as it seemed like I was growing and changing last year, introducing un-sobriety back into my life has caused me to take a step back. I told someone the other day that sometimes I feel like I’m 21 again. I feel like I need to learn my limits all over and find that happy grown up balance most of us have by the time we turn 30.
I’ve had too many mornings this year where I’ve woken up and thought “What did I do and why did I do that?!”. (Note to Mom: by “too many” I don’t mean like 100, I mean like one or two, which I think we can both agree, is one or two too many).
I guess what I’m trying to say is… Nowadays, when I drink, I do really stupid shit. (Note to Mom: sorry for cursing).
I spent a year getting to know myself stone cold sober thinking that once I started drinking again, I’d have my “ish” together and would be super responsible and fabulous. Instead, I’ve spent the last three months proving my theory to be completely, totally, utterly wrong.
I forgot to factor in one very important variable when forming the above hypothesis. I forgot about alcohol. I spent a year without alcohol and literally forgot what it does and how it affects the average human. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, and when you take away my inhibition, I’m not harmlessly dancing on a bar or stupidly hitting on a stranger, I’m making bad choices that end up having consequences.
In my early 20’s, I did the same thing. I think a lot of us did. We learned lessons the hard and drunk way, but we were in our 20’s, so it was excusable and only a matter of time before life dealt a blow to snap us into grown-up mode.
Now, I’m approaching the last year of my 20’s and I’ve had my fill of “blows”. I don’t need to learn any more lessons the hard way, thanks life, I’m good on that.
My goal now is to be Presently Un-Sober. Last year was all about staying “Presently Sober” to get to know that side of me, and now I want to get to know that other side. I want to know me as a social butterfly. I want to be fully aware of who I am after a glass of wine or a few shots of whiskey. I don’t want to fall into an unconscious trap of binge drinking and poor life choices and what-happened-last-night wake up calls. I want to take all of the drama from last year and apply it to this year. Instead of learning from my mistakes; I want to learn from the bravest and craziest choice I’ve ever made. I want my sobriety to dictate how I drink again.
I guess, what I’m trying to say is, I think it’s all about presence. I’ve said this before, but when I named this blog a year and a half ago, I couldn’t define presence, and I had no idea that 2015 would not only teach me that definition, but also teach me how to apply it, and learning that would be the most rewarding experience of my life, so far. I think it is possible to have that same presence even though I’ve taken away my sobriety. I think that’s what people call “balance” and now that I’m a grown-up (or will be in less than a week), I’m ready to find my grown-up balance.